Unknown Territory
by Elaine5
Summary: Niles POV over Daphne.


Disclaimer: You know the rules by now. If not, check Paramount and Grub Street Productions. I'm pretty sure my name isn't there.

Author's Notes: To my own baby Statler: because I'm trying to find words when I don't know if they have been invented yet. 

Feedback would be loved and well cared for.

Send to solitudeperfection@yahoo.com.

Unknown territory

By Elaine

"But I fear I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here in this lonely place.

Tangled up in your embrace, there's nothing I'd like better than to fall."

Sarah McLachlan, "Fear."

Someone once said that grief was the most selfish emotion that we have. They were wrong. It's not: It's love.

I wasn't supposed to be here. We weren't supposed to be here. And I don't even know how I came to be 'here', let alone how Daphne came to be here with me. It took 7 years of longing, lust, and finally acceptance that Daphne didn't love me in the all encompassing way that I love her.

I still remember dancing at her wedding and offering my congratulations. No, don't think like that. I meant it. I truly did. All I've ever wanted is for Daphne to be happy, and if Donny is that man, then who I am to stand in her way.

And then everything changed. One day. Actually it was one night. I can't blame it on alcohol or the weather or anything as mundane as that. We had met up for our usual Tuesday night video session. It was Daphne's turn to choose the film and we sat through "Casablanca" for about the 12th time. 

She got up to leave after the film had ended. I got up, and like normal, walked her to the door. She leaned over to kiss me: platonically like always. But something changed. She changed. I changed. Our eyes met: blue into brown sparked and instead of a friendly goodnight kiss she devoured me. I reacted purely on instinct. I pulled her towards me and held her, stroking her soft, supple skin. The smell of night blooming jasmine haunted my senses.

Then she pulled back like she realised who I was, or maybe -more importantly- who she was. 

"I'm sorry." she uttered, barely audible.

I looked over at her, her eyes downcast staring intently at the ground. "It's alright" I offered back. "I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. Goodnight Niles."

"Goodnight Daphne." I said quietly.

I thought that nothing else would happen. That I would see her the next day and the kiss would never be mentioned again. But Fate plays her games in the most cruellest of ways. I did see Daphne the next day. We met for coffee at Cafe Nervosa. Two hours later she was in my bed. 

So I should be really happy, right? Daphne is here, with me: in my bed, reacting to my touch, my kisses. Do you know what I really feel? Scared. I am absolutely scared. I'm petrified. Scared of Daphne; scared of myself when I am around her.

I've been in love with Daphne ever since I walked into Frasier's apartment and she said "Hello." I know her, or at least I think I do. But I have no idea how I make her feel. I asked her once, if I made her happy and she looked at me with such an incredulous look on her face that I asked it again.

"Are you serious?' she asked

I nodded. "Yes." I replied, feeling like a foolish child.

"Can't you tell?" she asked, surprised.

I shook my head in the negative and looked at her.

She smiled back. "Niles, you make me really happy."

"Ok." I replied softly.

But something is holding me back. Something is stopping me from giving in completely. If I knew what it was, then my life would be a lot simpler. The only thing I know is that I'm drowning. I've been drowning for weeks now and I don't know if Daphne will be my lifeline or the tattered rope. If I reach out, will she grab my hand or simply walk away?

Am I treating Daphne with the same regard that Maris and Mel showed me? Do I really believe that Daphne would treat me in the same disdainful way that they did? Part of me knows she wouldn't: she couldn't. So is it just me? Have I such a low opinion of myself that I think that is all I deserve? Women who treat me with contempt and disdain. I know Daphne isn't like that. I do. So why am I pushing her away when I want to be with her? Why I am looking at her and seeing all the other women in my life?

Because its easier that way. Yeah, I'm a coward. It's easier. It's easier to protect myself from all the hurt. Despite Maris and Mel, I really did care for them. Its strange, I know. You care about someone who treats you as an object instead of a person. With Daphne, I know its about me. Niles. The person. But I don't know if she truly wants me or the representation that she has in her head. I have no idea whether she has an image of me in her head. It's ironic. Considering I make my living from talking, when it comes to Daphne I am conspicously silent.

And I'm too afraid to ask. Too afraid to ask her why she is here and not somewhere else. And I don't know what she sees in me. Do I look different through brown eyes than blue ones. I guess I do, otherwise she wouldn't be here. And nor would I.

I tried to end it once. I realised that I wasn't strong enough for the tangled web that we were weaving. She looked at me with such conviction, such passion that the words were meaningless even before I gave them a voice. The barriers I created were being torn down at such a rapid pace that I was left looking at her, vulnerable: scared and angry. I have never felt that way before. Not even Maris forcing me into the Shanghri La had affected me so strongly. 

And I did what I know best. I walked away and left her standing in my living room. Seconds later I heard the door slam. As I slumped down against the fridge, the only coherent thought I had was 'oh my god, what have I done?' The tears came then, hot: silent, angry. Angry at me and my stupid childishness.

The next day she stood at my doorway, her eyes blazing. My apology was out of my lips before she could speak.

"I'm sorry." I said

She looked at me, intently. 

"I'm so sorry." I repeated. "I didn't mean it, I was scared."

She reached out and touched my face, kissing the top of my forehead. "Shh, it's ok. Don't worry about it."

Strangely enough, I haven't. Not once. I think her forgiveness was the only thing I was looking for. That, and my realisation about how stupid and petty I had been.

That was three weeks ago and I'm still seeing Daphne. I know now I couldn't- I can't-stop. There is more chance of the sun not rising than me not being with Daphne. But I'm still not letting go. Not mentally or physically. There is still a part of me that doesn't relax around her. There is still a part that comes to the forefront and protects myself. The instinctive 'fight or flight ' mode that we all have.

I think I've finally realised why. It's like I said before. I'm scared. Scared because this is unknown territory. At least with Maris and Mel I knew they would get up and walk away, both literally and figuratively. With Daphne I don't know. And it's the unknown that holds me back, because if she was Maris or Mel I would know where I stand, even if it is at the bottom of the pile. 

So I'll keep being with her until the unknown becomes something to embrace instead of hide away from. Or Daphne will leave, whichever one comes first. I just hope it's the first one and not the second. Because I don't know how long she will wait. And I have no idea whether I'll even be worth it.


End file.
